I AM NOT OBESE!!

Ahem.

That is to say, of course: I am not obese anymore. This morning I weighed in at 191 lbs, and my BMI is officially under 30. Soon, probably tomorrow, I will be heading to Dillard’s or Macy’s to pick up a pair of these, or something like them, as my reward. I will also try to get a photo of myself sometime today.

This is a huge, huge, HUGE goal for me. I have been looking forward to this for a long time. Wow. (See the goals page for info on my next goal.)

Now, I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss the BMI (Body Mass Index), as some of you out there are no doubt peeved that I seem to put so much stock into the 0.1 point on this scale that separates the obese from the overweight. In fact, there are some of you out there who may think that the BMI might be better entitled the BSI - that is, the index of something else entirely.

For those of you new to this argument, wiki discusses both the uses and the limitations of the BMI scale. For those of you who have already formulated an opinion on the matter, allow me to explain myself.

I know that the BMI does not take into account different body types, how much muscle you have compared to fat, your age, or lots of other variables. I know that degrees of obesity and weight problems should only be measured on a person-by-person basis. I know that some bodies function better when they carry around more or less weight than others. I know.

But I also know this. There has to be a line somewhere. I’ve chosen the line drawn by the medical industry, and I’ve chosen it simply because I know that my doctor can no longer call me obese according to her own standards. Since I really am trying to lose weight for my health (more on this later), this seems like a logical place to start, and as good as any other.

And now that that spiel is done… I am so happy I could cry because I weigh 191 lbs omg!!!1! Ok. </fangirl flashback>

So, about my health…

I realized the other night that as much as I am concerned that I look good by the end of this (who would want to lose 71-81 lbs and still look flabby, after all?), I really am doing this for my health. I know, I know: I’ve been saying that the whole time. But you know, I didn’t realize until recently that it was actually true.

I mean, think about it. In September of 2006 I got engaged. Around that time I probably weighed somewhere in the mid-190s (more than I do now, ha!) and was uncomfortable with my body image. But was I uncomfortable enough to lose weight, even considering the knowledge that I would be appearing in a wedding gown nine months later in front of all my friends and family, and considering that I would keep pictures of myself from that day for the rest of my happily-ever-after life? 

Nope, not. In fact, I gained weight between getting engaged and getting married. I gained weight between buying my dress and getting married. It was pretty difficult for the bridesmaids to zip me into that thing (a 16w, and that’s before I gained the 25 lbs that put me at 230 on April 7th of this year), let me tell you. Body image has never been a good enough motivating factor for me, people. I just didn’t have enough willpower to not eat what I wanted just because I thought I might look better. Who’d care if I looked better anyway, right?

And then this year I got scared. This year the doctor tested me for diabetes and a thyroid problem. This year I realized that if I didn’t make the change voluntarily, I’d have to make it to save my own life later on down the road. It was a week after that - not a week after getting engaged or buying a dress or even getting married - that I got serious and went on SBD.

I guess the point of all that was just to pat myself on the back for not letting vanity be my motivator. Of course, it’s not like my health couldn’t have motivated me a little earlier… But that’s beside the point.

Anyway, I know this post has gotten a bit long, but last but not least on the topics of conversation today: the blog makeover! Yes, the blog got a makeover because I know one is due for me fairly soon; if I look different, why not the blog? This week I’ve started having to toss out some pants and shirts that I’ve worn for the last time; they’re simply so big on me now that they either won’t stay up or make me look bigger than I am (never a good thing). I still have some of my smaller clothes that I’m getting back into, but these have definitely seen their last. And pretty soon… I will have to buy some new stuff.

Wow. One hundred days since I started South Beach.

It doesn’t seem that long. And in actuality, it really isn’t that long - just a little over three months. But when you count those days individually? One hundred days full of one hundred choices each, with one hundred opportunities to fail or quit in every day… That’s a lot of days.

Every day is a struggle and a battle all its own. I say that now 34.5 lbs lighter than I was on April 15th (weighed in at 192 lbs this morning) because it is still true. Yes, I have gotten in the habit of eating breakfast every morning. Yes, I have gotten in the habit of replacing starches with vegetables. But that doesn’t mean that I never feel like ordering a pizza when I’m tired after work, or that I don’t want to cave and eat some of the candy my boss keeps stashed for us in the office.

And I have done those things - the pizza and the candy and several other transgressions. But I’ve done them minimally. I couldn’t tell you my pass/fail percentage for choices like that, but I would probably give myself a B or a B+ overall in the area of self-control; I didn’t exceed expectations, but I’ve probably done above average.

The thing I think I’ve learned about self-control is that it is just what it says it is. Self-control doesn’t mean self-denial. It means you being in control of your actions and your decisions. It means that the food is not in charge of what I eat; I am in charge of what I eat. So on Saturday night, when Hubbo and I go out on our date to this French restaurant and I “cheat,” I don’t consider that a failure. I’ve made the decision that a nice evening out with my husband is ok every now and then. Only you, yourself, can make those decisions; only you can decide how much you can break the rules without your goals collapsing on you. That’s why it’s called self-control, after all.

Anyway, enough of that serious mumbo-jumbo. I know you all prefer picture-books anyway.

This is what I had for breakfast this morning. You know what? I got full! After I had my eggs and toast, I only made it through half my yogurt. Part of me is proud of this: I no longer eat and long for inordinate amounts of food! There is still a part of me that gets sad when I can’t finish, though; it tastes soooo good, after all. But I am taming that part, and I don’t listen to it anymore when it tells me to keep eating. 

Now that’s what I call a major victory.

Ok, so this wasn’t the best weight loss week ever. I probably had a few more starches than I should have (especially yesterday: three pieces of bread the day before a weigh-in?) and I had a couple of sweets throughout the week (cake and a Margarita at the wedding Friday night, an Odwalla peanut butter chocolate chip bar Monday night, and a chocolate chip cookie yesterday). But hey, a loss is a loss, and I will take it. Hopefully I can exercise a little more self-control this week!

Only have time for a quick update today… This week is an extremely busy one for us so if you don’t see me around, don’t panic.

Anyway, the weight is at 193 lbs again this morning, so no big news (bad or good) on that front. I am trying another new recipe tonight for dinner (made it this morning so I could just pop it in the oven in the 12.7 minutes we’ll have at home tonight) so if it goes well I’ll share that with you all.

Major thought right now: at some point I need to find some time to exercise again.

I had a fairly depressing thought yesterday. Two of my coworkers commented on my weight-loss; both of them said something to the effect of “You look fabulous!” And you know what I heard? I didn’t hear what they said, but instead I heard “You look better” or, “Gee, you’re not quite so noticeably fat as you used to be.”

Now I admit, I have always had trouble accepting compliments. I have a vague memory of my mother once telling me as a little girl that to accept a compliment readily would make people think you were stuck up. As a result, I think I have always had trouble believing in the nice things people have told me; I don’t want to put too much stock in what I’m hearing (because we all know people just tend to say what you want to hear) because I don’t want to get out of touch with reality.

I know that this is totally unhealthy. I know that I need to get over my bad body-image. And yes, it is steadily improving… But come on, I know I don’t look “fabulous.” I really only look good comparatively speaking. That’s enough for me, because I know I am on my way to littler and better things (ha), so why do people feel the need to embellish?

Anyway, I’ve decided to make a deal with you. Here’s a nice pretty picture of me to prove I’m doing my best to get a grip on my body image - sharing photos is part of being proud of how you look, right? - and in exchange, no comments on how I need to be accepting and how there is beauty at every size, etc. Believe me folks, I’ve heard it all before. And hey, I’m not saying I look bad… I just don’t look how I want to look and how I know I can look. ‘Nuff said? All right. Enjoy this pic of me dolled up for the wedding we went to last night.

Incidentally, I bought this dress two years ago and never wore it until last night. It wasn’t until after I stuffed myself into it that Hubbo, tucking in my tag, realized it was a fourteen. Now, I’ve been able to wear fourteen pants comfortably for a while, but getting into a fourteen on the top? That’s something. (I promise my boobs didn’t look obscenely large all night long; they looked normal in the mirror, I swear!)

So the wedding… I had a piece of cake (it was carrot cake with lots of decadently sugary butter cream icing) and a Margarita. Now, I know a Margarita is probably the worst thing I could have chosen, but come on - give me a break. I live in the southwest: it’s all about the Margarita! It is my favorite drink and I’ve only had it once since the beginning of my diet (not including last night) 95 days ago. It was a special occasion, and I splurged.

I was only one pound heavier today - 194.5 lbs - which could have been due to normal fluctuation as much as to my sugar high last night. Encouraging, to say the least. A loss is still possible for this week.

Last night, I took a shot at this recipe from South Beach Century Club. It was absolutely amazing. I loved it! I think it’s my favorite thing I’ve made so far in the three months I’ve been on the diet (though Hubbo’s favorite is this one). I served it with some Spaghetti Squash in a Garlic Lemon Butter sauce for an Italian feast.

Just some tips regarding the recipe: one roasted pepper does not serve two. I used one and it only made one layer in the lasagna I made for Hubbo and myself, and I could definitely have used two or three layers of that stuff. Also, I added prosciutto like the recipe suggests at the bottom, but I found that the flavors of the pesto (I used a store-bought basil pesto that I had in the fridge instead of making my own sundried tomato pesto) and the peppers overwhelmed the prosciutto. Prosciutto’s kind of an expensive ingredient if you’re not even going to taste it, so I would recommend passing on that.

I did do mine on the grill as the recipe suggests, and it cooked absolutely perfectly. Next time, though, I think I might try baking them in individual dishes. It seems like it would be less messy, and also, the bottom layer of peppers probably won’t fall off that way. But like I said, the grill did cook it perfectly. 

I hope you all don’t mind me posting more foodie stuff… It occurred to me recently that I have been blogging mostly about my feelings about the weight-loss and my mental state regarding it. I’m sure that is probably interesting enough to a lot of you, as dieting is as much a mental struggle as a physical one, but I think it’s also important to share with you guys what I’m actually eating. That does play a huge part in my weight loss, after all.

Anyway, this morning I am at 193.5 lbs. Not bad! We’re going to a wedding tonight though and I will be having cake for certain and alcohol if it is available, so we’ll see what tomorrow morning brings.

After yesterday’s weigh-in, I felt the need to prove to you all that I am, in fact, still eating starches. Thus, this is what I ate for lunch yesterday: a delicious turkey sausage pesto pizza made on the Ezekiel 4:9 pita bread. It was really tasty.

I also had a sub sandwich for dinner yesterday. It was on whole wheat, but still, it was a sandwich. I went ahead and took the risk because I was pretty exhausted and Hubbo had a craving for Dion’s, the local popular pizza chain. I obviously didn’t want to order pizza, and I was way too exhausted to subsist on a salad (though their salads are fabulous), and so I went for the sandwich.

So I am at 195 lbs this morning. That is absolutely fine with me for a couple of reasons. 1) I am still at my goal, which was set for next Wednesday, and so I’m early. 2) It makes me believe that yesterday’s weigh-in of 193 lbs was, in fact, accurate, because I do tend to gain after having a sandwich for dinner. And if gaining put me at 195 lbs, it stands to logic that I was surely under it before. 

Anyway, right smack dab in the middle here I’m going to post a bit of TMI, so go ahead and skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to read about my period. My TOM started yesterday, and I have to tell you: it seems like the more weight I lose, the worse my cramps get. I don’t understand it. I’m on BC, so for the past several years I’ve had really light, fairly painless periods (though before that I had terrible, terrible cramping every month). Over the past months, I have had bad cramps every time. Why?? Losing weight is supposed to make my cycle healthier and more stable, is it not? And so is BC, so I’m really at a loss. Is anyone else out there experiencing this?

I also noticed a bit of an NSV yesterday. I was sitting with my legs crossed and I realized I can actually do that now. It should be noted that I have enormous thighs, and that it’s there that I really want to lose a lot of weight - even more than in my tummy at this point. Anyway, I am encouraged that they are actually getting smaller! When I used to cross my legs, I couldn’t get the bottom of the top knee to rest on the top of the bottom knee because my thighs were so giant, and so my top leg was always at an exaggerated angle. No more! Huzzah! (Note: I don’t expect that this description accurately depicts what was happening to my legs for most of you, but just trust me. Anybody that’s had this problem will understand.)

I believe that’s it for the day. I hope you liked my photo. I keep meaning to take pictures of some food and blog about it but I never remember, so hopefully that will get me started. See you all tomorrow!

I am ridiculously scared to write these numbers down. I don’t believe them. It feels like if I put them here on the website then I am saying “Yes, I reached this. Give me credit for it and expect more!”

Let me be clear that this was a Phase II week. The beginning of this week contained two days that were completely Phase I days. Yesterday, also, was mostly Phase I, but included a snack of Peanut Butter on Whole Wheat bread. All the other days I had Phase II meals; my diet this week included shamelessly eating bread brought to me at a steakhouse, rice pilaf, couscous and lots of other starches. I’m assuming those three days of eating Phase I foods almost entirely by accident account for this weigh-in. 

The only other possibility I can think of is calorie shifting, which I’m not sure I really buy into. (Please note that I link to this article simply to explain what calorie shifting is, not to recommend it. Check out this article for the dangers of relying on a diet like that.) I haven’t been doing this on purpose because I’m on the South Beach Diet, not a calorie-shifting diet. But I did try a lot of new things this week (hence the post entitled “Trying New Things“) and varied up my diet quite a bit.

Is that enough of a disclaimer for you to believe that I had nothing to do with this?

I guess the scale was more accurate yesterday than I thought. It stuck to 195.5 lbs this morning.

I really think one of the things that was holding me back the past couple of weeks was lack of water intake. Now, I know diet bloggers tend to harp on drinking enough water, and I know this isn’t an original idea. But truly - I stopped paying attention to it as much as I paid attention to the rest of my diet and my weight loss slowed down. Now I’m back in action and as of right now I’ve lost 4 lbs since last Wednesday (6 days).

I really hope tomorrow’s weigh-in goes well. I mean, I know that I will have lost, so I’m not worried about that. I guess I’ve just gotten used to seeing these super-low numbers and I’ll be kind of disappointed if tomorrow I get on the scale and it says 197 lbs again. I know that’s 2.5 lbs in a week and nothing to scoff at, but it feels like I’m moving past that now. It’s just so unpredictable… I hate that my weight fluctuates so much from day to day.

I know fluctuation is normal and I keep telling myself that. But still… I’m on a diet! I’m eating fewer calories than I’m burning, and I’m eating low-carb, so: what’s the problem? Why is it that if I eat one non-diet meal I gain? Why is it that one week on vacation (with lots of healthy snacks and no overeating) sets me back 5 lbs? Honestly, this makes me really afraid that I’m going to get to my goal weight, go on maintenance, and balloon up from eating normally. I’m afraid I won’t be able to prevent gaining if I’m not losing.

Ah well. I have a ways to go before I have to worry about that. It presently annoys me because I want an amazing weigh-in tomorrow, but I’m going to let the big worry just kind of sit there in the recesses of my mind until I absolutely have to deal with it.

The scale has been very noncommittal the past couple of days. I think I still weigh 197 this morning. A couple of times it said 196.5, but it also said 199 a time or two (and I know that is wrong). I’m going with the 197 because it’s the closest to yesterday’s being that it is exactly the same.

Anyway, had a pretty successful weekend. Friday night Hubbo and I went out on a date. I had several things that are allowed on Phase II in moderation: red wine, rice pilaf, wheat bread. I felt guilty afterward because although I know they’re all technically legal, I felt like I shouldn’t have had them all together (and also because I had a handful - maybe 10 - of peanut M&Ms at work that day.) I gained half a pound that day but it didn’t really bother me - could have been worse.

Yesterday we went shopping at Whole Foods for a couple things, and this is always a treat for me. We got some whole wheat mini pitas to stuff! We’re both pretty excited about that. We’re also going to try the Ezekiel 4:9 pitas to see what we think. I’ve heard both great and terrible things about Ezekiel 4:9 products, so we want to make our own decision about them.

I guess that’s about it, but I can throw in this: I made the Gazpacho recipe from the book last week for some lunches. Delicious! I never thought it would taste like that.