Day 110: Return from the Abyss (and the Fat Scale)

Sorry about the lack of posts recently – our internet has been really unreliable this weekend. I think (hope!) the problem is fixed now, so you should be hearing from me a little more regularly now. Still, to make up for the lack of posting since Thursday, here’s a bonus post from me (it’s my southwestern three-bean-salad recipe, since I found out I don’t really like traditional three-bean salads).

Anyway, I have no idea how much I weigh right now because I didn’t weigh myself this morning. Yesterday morning I was at 194 lbs even, but I had McDonald’s for lunch today (no time, no choices!) so we’ll see what happens.

I hate my new fat scale.

Farewell Fat’s 1-2-3-Bean Ensalada

Makes 4 servings as a main dish, 6 servings as a side dish

Ingredients:

• 1 15 oz can Black Beans (drained and rinsed)
• 1 15 oz can Pinto Beans (drained and rinsed)
• 1 15 oz can Kidney Beans (drained and rinsed)
• 8 oz chunky salsa
• Avocado
• Fat-free Sour Cream

 

Directions:

1. Drain and rinse all the canned beans, and combine in a bowl. (Draining and rinsing is extremely important, which is why it is listed here in the directions and also in the ingredients: you can drastically reduce your sodium intake simply by rinsing the beans of the sauce they are canned in!)

2. Add salsa to the beans and mix completely. (For extra kick, add chili powder/peppers to taste or simply use a spicier salsa). Refrigerate at least fifteen minutes.

3. Top individual servings with sliced avocado and fat-free sour cream to taste. (Important: if you will be serving some of the salad now and saving some for later, do not add the avocado and sour cream in until you are ready to serve.)

Day 107: Brussels Sprouts and Wine

I was so upset about my weigh-in/scale setback yesterday that I forgot to post this pretty picture of Tuesday night’s dinner. I finally made those kabobs I bought from Whole Foods the other day, and I paired them with this amazing brussels sprouts recipe. Neither Hubbo nor I had actually ever eaten brussels sprouts before, so this was kind of an adventure. Apparently they are some of the healthiest food in the world, so we (I) decided to give them a try. I thought they were delicious! I didn’t use the pine nuts the recipe called for because I didn’t feel like buying pine nuts for one dish, but they were still great.

Anyway, I’ve decided that today I will be optimistic. I have found one thing that I can be glad about with the fat new scale purchase: it might help me to stop weighing every day. Seeing where I am and feeling this disappointment could be just the thing to keep me from stepping on that scale every morning. Also, knowing that I’m going to see the losses in smaller increments (tiny 0.2 lb increments instead of 0.5 lb increments that feel like they actually mean something) might help. We’ll see. As of this morning, I was down (up?) to 194 lbs; I haven’t decided yet if I will weigh in tomorrow or not.

And just for the purposes of being self-aware… I’m pretty sure that it’s the booze that has been bringing me down. For the most part on this diet I’ve been extremely moderate (oxymoron?) with my drinking. And I’m still not going out to get drunk or anything like that. But in the past week or ten days, I have had several glasses of wine. Usually no more than one per day, and red – which is allowed in moderation on SBD – but still. Things that are allowed in moderation shouldn’t be had every day; that’s just not moderate. And so I will make a point to cut back on my wino-ing. Maybe wine once a week from now on – that seems moderate enough for me.

Day 105: It is OK to eat food.

I had a mini-breakdown last night, and a revelation this morning.

Last night I was sitting on the couch, ready to cook my pre-made kabobs from Whole Foods, knowing that they were healthy and ready to go and diet-approved… and I lost it. I had what could best be described as a temper tantrum, complete with near-tears. The exchange went something like, “But I don’t want kabobs! I want a cheeseburger!” The idea of eating another diet meal was suddenly revolting and oppressive.

This morning I realized that my tantrum wasn’t really about kabobs and cheeseburgers. In fact, I had a slice of pizza and a Greek salad, so I know that my craving wasn’t really for a burger at all. It was for freedom.

Here’s the deal: before I started this diet, I was a food addict. I had a totally unhealthy view of what food was meant for and how to treat it – essentially, an eating disorder. Now that I am on the diet, I have re-learned a lot of things about how to relate to food and making healthy decisions, but there still has to be a distinction between “good food” and “bad food,” because 1) these rules help me to develop healthy habits, and 2) they provide a buffer for me to ensure that I don’t rely only on my own disordered eating judgement and totally fall off the wagon.

But creating rules about what is “good food” and what is “bad food,” when taken too far, can also lead to disordered eating of a different kind. I think sometimes as dieters we forget that food is not inherently bad for you; it’s too much food, or too much of a certain type of food and not enough of others, that hurts us. I think that the reason a lot of diets (and dieters) fail is that we create this food morality of what is good and what is bad, and then can’t handle the guilt if we eat something off the “bad” list. We feel like failures and we give up.

Yes, restrictions are good; I know what I should and shouldn’t eat according to my diet. But I also know that while my diet happens to be low-carb, that doesn’t mean that all carbs are bad or that if I eat them I will never lose another pound and I am condemning myself to eternal obesity. This is yet another facet of how I feel about self-control: it is I – not the food, not even the diet – who needs to be in control of what I eat. Last night, I made the executive decision to have a slice of pizza, and yesterday morning I had sugar in my coffee.

This morning, I am still at my low of 191 lbs. 

My success is not measured by how well I follow the rules of the South Beach Diet. It is measured by the increasing confidence I have in my own ability to eat a healthy, balanced diet in the real world, where people go to restaurants, sometimes order pizza, and occasionally eat fast food. Those are not the staples of my diet simply because I eat them every now and then. I just have to remind myself of this.

My new mantra: It is ok to eat food!

Day 103: Reward #1

These are my fabulous new shoes! They are beautiful, amazingly comfortable, and they were on sale! What’s better? I got the last pair in this color – they just happened to be my size. I really wanted brown because I tend to wear a lot of earth tones, but the only ones they had on display were turquoise (eek) and a burnt-orange type red. When we asked about the brown ones, they brought me the only ones left in the store. Score! So these weren’t exactly what I was looking for (kind of wanted more gladiator style/jeweley stuff) but after putting them on, I knew they were perfect.

Of course, what should one do after one receives a weight-loss reward? Follow my example, and have a decadent meal! Last night at La Provence, I cheated with: some baguette and crackers (eaten with cheese), two glasses of white wine, and a piece of chocolate mousse cake which Hubbo and I shared. My entree (Couscous Merguez) was cheat-free, as far as I know, unless I am not allowed lamb. It was totally worth it. This morning I weighed 193 lbs and was fine with that; I think I still have time to knock off what I gained.

Might be doing some more Moroccan-style food tonight… We’ll see what the fishmonger has in store for me.

Day 100 – Control Yourself

Wow. One hundred days since I started South Beach.

It doesn’t seem that long. And in actuality, it really isn’t that long – just a little over three months. But when you count those days individually? One hundred days full of one hundred choices each, with one hundred opportunities to fail or quit in every day… That’s a lot of days.

Every day is a struggle and a battle all its own. I say that now 34.5 lbs lighter than I was on April 15th (weighed in at 192 lbs this morning) because it is still true. Yes, I have gotten in the habit of eating breakfast every morning. Yes, I have gotten in the habit of replacing starches with vegetables. But that doesn’t mean that I never feel like ordering a pizza when I’m tired after work, or that I don’t want to cave and eat some of the candy my boss keeps stashed for us in the office.

And I have done those things – the pizza and the candy and several other transgressions. But I’ve done them minimally. I couldn’t tell you my pass/fail percentage for choices like that, but I would probably give myself a B or a B+ overall in the area of self-control; I didn’t exceed expectations, but I’ve probably done above average.

The thing I think I’ve learned about self-control is that it is just what it says it is. Self-control doesn’t mean self-denial. It means you being in control of your actions and your decisions. It means that the food is not in charge of what I eat; I am in charge of what I eat. So on Saturday night, when Hubbo and I go out on our date to this French restaurant and I “cheat,” I don’t consider that a failure. I’ve made the decision that a nice evening out with my husband is ok every now and then. Only you, yourself, can make those decisions; only you can decide how much you can break the rules without your goals collapsing on you. That’s why it’s called self-control, after all.

Anyway, enough of that serious mumbo-jumbo. I know you all prefer picture-books anyway.

This is what I had for breakfast this morning. You know what? I got full! After I had my eggs and toast, I only made it through half my yogurt. Part of me is proud of this: I no longer eat and long for inordinate amounts of food! There is still a part of me that gets sad when I can’t finish, though; it tastes soooo good, after all. But I am taming that part, and I don’t listen to it anymore when it tells me to keep eating. 

Now that’s what I call a major victory.

Day 94: Low-Carb Lasagna

Last night, I took a shot at this recipe from South Beach Century Club. It was absolutely amazing. I loved it! I think it’s my favorite thing I’ve made so far in the three months I’ve been on the diet (though Hubbo’s favorite is this one). I served it with some Spaghetti Squash in a Garlic Lemon Butter sauce for an Italian feast.

Just some tips regarding the recipe: one roasted pepper does not serve two. I used one and it only made one layer in the lasagna I made for Hubbo and myself, and I could definitely have used two or three layers of that stuff. Also, I added prosciutto like the recipe suggests at the bottom, but I found that the flavors of the pesto (I used a store-bought basil pesto that I had in the fridge instead of making my own sundried tomato pesto) and the peppers overwhelmed the prosciutto. Prosciutto’s kind of an expensive ingredient if you’re not even going to taste it, so I would recommend passing on that.

I did do mine on the grill as the recipe suggests, and it cooked absolutely perfectly. Next time, though, I think I might try baking them in individual dishes. It seems like it would be less messy, and also, the bottom layer of peppers probably won’t fall off that way. But like I said, the grill did cook it perfectly. 

I hope you all don’t mind me posting more foodie stuff… It occurred to me recently that I have been blogging mostly about my feelings about the weight-loss and my mental state regarding it. I’m sure that is probably interesting enough to a lot of you, as dieting is as much a mental struggle as a physical one, but I think it’s also important to share with you guys what I’m actually eating. That does play a huge part in my weight loss, after all.

Anyway, this morning I am at 193.5 lbs. Not bad! We’re going to a wedding tonight though and I will be having cake for certain and alcohol if it is available, so we’ll see what tomorrow morning brings.

Day 93: Miscellany

After yesterday’s weigh-in, I felt the need to prove to you all that I am, in fact, still eating starches. Thus, this is what I ate for lunch yesterday: a delicious turkey sausage pesto pizza made on the Ezekiel 4:9 pita bread. It was really tasty.

I also had a sub sandwich for dinner yesterday. It was on whole wheat, but still, it was a sandwich. I went ahead and took the risk because I was pretty exhausted and Hubbo had a craving for Dion’s, the local popular pizza chain. I obviously didn’t want to order pizza, and I was way too exhausted to subsist on a salad (though their salads are fabulous), and so I went for the sandwich.

So I am at 195 lbs this morning. That is absolutely fine with me for a couple of reasons. 1) I am still at my goal, which was set for next Wednesday, and so I’m early. 2) It makes me believe that yesterday’s weigh-in of 193 lbs was, in fact, accurate, because I do tend to gain after having a sandwich for dinner. And if gaining put me at 195 lbs, it stands to logic that I was surely under it before. 

Anyway, right smack dab in the middle here I’m going to post a bit of TMI, so go ahead and skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to read about my period. My TOM started yesterday, and I have to tell you: it seems like the more weight I lose, the worse my cramps get. I don’t understand it. I’m on BC, so for the past several years I’ve had really light, fairly painless periods (though before that I had terrible, terrible cramping every month). Over the past months, I have had bad cramps every time. Why?? Losing weight is supposed to make my cycle healthier and more stable, is it not? And so is BC, so I’m really at a loss. Is anyone else out there experiencing this?

I also noticed a bit of an NSV yesterday. I was sitting with my legs crossed and I realized I can actually do that now. It should be noted that I have enormous thighs, and that it’s there that I really want to lose a lot of weight – even more than in my tummy at this point. Anyway, I am encouraged that they are actually getting smaller! When I used to cross my legs, I couldn’t get the bottom of the top knee to rest on the top of the bottom knee because my thighs were so giant, and so my top leg was always at an exaggerated angle. No more! Huzzah! (Note: I don’t expect that this description accurately depicts what was happening to my legs for most of you, but just trust me. Anybody that’s had this problem will understand.)

I believe that’s it for the day. I hope you liked my photo. I keep meaning to take pictures of some food and blog about it but I never remember, so hopefully that will get me started. See you all tomorrow!

Day 90: Trying New Things

The scale has been very noncommittal the past couple of days. I think I still weigh 197 this morning. A couple of times it said 196.5, but it also said 199 a time or two (and I know that is wrong). I’m going with the 197 because it’s the closest to yesterday’s being that it is exactly the same.

Anyway, had a pretty successful weekend. Friday night Hubbo and I went out on a date. I had several things that are allowed on Phase II in moderation: red wine, rice pilaf, wheat bread. I felt guilty afterward because although I know they’re all technically legal, I felt like I shouldn’t have had them all together (and also because I had a handful – maybe 10 – of peanut M&Ms at work that day.) I gained half a pound that day but it didn’t really bother me – could have been worse.

Yesterday we went shopping at Whole Foods for a couple things, and this is always a treat for me. We got some whole wheat mini pitas to stuff! We’re both pretty excited about that. We’re also going to try the Ezekiel 4:9 pitas to see what we think. I’ve heard both great and terrible things about Ezekiel 4:9 products, so we want to make our own decision about them.

I guess that’s about it, but I can throw in this: I made the Gazpacho recipe from the book last week for some lunches. Delicious! I never thought it would taste like that.

Day 70: Do Your Body Good

Slightly sore legs this morning. I almost thought I was going to get away with no pains as I was feeling great all the way through last night. Oh well. Just kind of stiff is all – hopefully I will be feeling better before tomorrow’s walk/run.

So this morning I was feeling a little adventurous, and I tried the book’s Oatmeal Pancake recipe. I did not like it the way the recipe was written, but I will try it again with some alterations. To me, the mix was way too sweet and the nutmeg was overpowering. In fact, I think I will leave the nutmeg out completely if I make it again. Also, the batter is very thin so it was difficult to flip the pancake. Next time I will probably make two small ones instead of the one large. I did find some good sugar-free syrup though (at least I think it was good – hard to tell with all that nutmeg flavor.)

Anyway, lost a half-pound again. It could have been more but I had a cookie from Quizno’s last night. And my sandwich was a Honey Bacon Club, which of course has sugars in it. But I don’t feel bad about it – my body felt great after I had that sandwich. Pretty sure it needed that, and what my body needs is more important than how much weight I lose.

In other news, I just donated half a liter of red blood cells. The phlebotomist really phlubbed (haha, get it?) it up today and my arm is super-sore from the plasma returns, but I will live. I had a little popcorn at the center so that I wouldn’t pass out or anything and they gave me one of those instant hot-packs. I’m sure I’ll get a nasty bruise, but we’ll see how this anomale affects the weight loss.

That’s about all I guess. Hopefully I will still be able to get to my goal of 199 by July 2nd. I realized after I set the goal that I didn’t give myself as much time as I thought, so it might be a pretty close call (especially considering the camping trip.)