Day 105: It is OK to eat food.

I had a mini-breakdown last night, and a revelation this morning.

Last night I was sitting on the couch, ready to cook my pre-made kabobs from Whole Foods, knowing that they were healthy and ready to go and diet-approved… and I lost it. I had what could best be described as a temper tantrum, complete with near-tears. The exchange went something like, “But I don’t want kabobs! I want a cheeseburger!” The idea of eating another diet meal was suddenly revolting and oppressive.

This morning I realized that my tantrum wasn’t really about kabobs and cheeseburgers. In fact, I had a slice of pizza and a Greek salad, so I know that my craving wasn’t really for a burger at all. It was for freedom.

Here’s the deal: before I started this diet, I was a food addict. I had a totally unhealthy view of what food was meant for and how to treat it – essentially, an eating disorder. Now that I am on the diet, I have re-learned a lot of things about how to relate to food and making healthy decisions, but there still has to be a distinction between “good food” and “bad food,” because 1) these rules help me to develop healthy habits, and 2) they provide a buffer for me to ensure that I don’t rely only on my own disordered eating judgement and totally fall off the wagon.

But creating rules about what is “good food” and what is “bad food,” when taken too far, can also lead to disordered eating of a different kind. I think sometimes as dieters we forget that food is not inherently bad for you; it’s too much food, or too much of a certain type of food and not enough of others, that hurts us. I think that the reason a lot of diets (and dieters) fail is that we create this food morality of what is good and what is bad, and then can’t handle the guilt if we eat something off the “bad” list. We feel like failures and we give up.

Yes, restrictions are good; I know what I should and shouldn’t eat according to my diet. But I also know that while my diet happens to be low-carb, that doesn’t mean that all carbs are bad or that if I eat them I will never lose another pound and I am condemning myself to eternal obesity. This is yet another facet of how I feel about self-control: it is I – not the food, not even the diet – who needs to be in control of what I eat. Last night, I made the executive decision to have a slice of pizza, and yesterday morning I had sugar in my coffee.

This morning, I am still at my low of 191 lbs. 

My success is not measured by how well I follow the rules of the South Beach Diet. It is measured by the increasing confidence I have in my own ability to eat a healthy, balanced diet in the real world, where people go to restaurants, sometimes order pizza, and occasionally eat fast food. Those are not the staples of my diet simply because I eat them every now and then. I just have to remind myself of this.

My new mantra: It is ok to eat food!

Day 101: Oh Make Me Over

I AM NOT OBESE!!

Ahem.

That is to say, of course: I am not obese anymore. This morning I weighed in at 191 lbs, and my BMI is officially under 30. Soon, probably tomorrow, I will be heading to Dillard’s or Macy’s to pick up a pair of these, or something like them, as my reward. I will also try to get a photo of myself sometime today.

This is a huge, huge, HUGE goal for me. I have been looking forward to this for a long time. Wow. (See the goals page for info on my next goal.)

Now, I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss the BMI (Body Mass Index), as some of you out there are no doubt peeved that I seem to put so much stock into the 0.1 point on this scale that separates the obese from the overweight. In fact, there are some of you out there who may think that the BMI might be better entitled the BSI – that is, the index of something else entirely.

For those of you new to this argument, wiki discusses both the uses and the limitations of the BMI scale. For those of you who have already formulated an opinion on the matter, allow me to explain myself.

I know that the BMI does not take into account different body types, how much muscle you have compared to fat, your age, or lots of other variables. I know that degrees of obesity and weight problems should only be measured on a person-by-person basis. I know that some bodies function better when they carry around more or less weight than others. I know.

But I also know this. There has to be a line somewhere. I’ve chosen the line drawn by the medical industry, and I’ve chosen it simply because I know that my doctor can no longer call me obese according to her own standards. Since I really am trying to lose weight for my health (more on this later), this seems like a logical place to start, and as good as any other.

And now that that spiel is done… I am so happy I could cry because I weigh 191 lbs omg!!!1! Ok. </fangirl flashback>

So, about my health…

I realized the other night that as much as I am concerned that I look good by the end of this (who would want to lose 71-81 lbs and still look flabby, after all?), I really am doing this for my health. I know, I know: I’ve been saying that the whole time. But you know, I didn’t realize until recently that it was actually true.

I mean, think about it. In September of 2006 I got engaged. Around that time I probably weighed somewhere in the mid-190s (more than I do now, ha!) and was uncomfortable with my body image. But was I uncomfortable enough to lose weight, even considering the knowledge that I would be appearing in a wedding gown nine months later in front of all my friends and family, and considering that I would keep pictures of myself from that day for the rest of my happily-ever-after life? 

Nope, not. In fact, I gained weight between getting engaged and getting married. I gained weight between buying my dress and getting married. It was pretty difficult for the bridesmaids to zip me into that thing (a 16w, and that’s before I gained the 25 lbs that put me at 230 on April 7th of this year), let me tell you. Body image has never been a good enough motivating factor for me, people. I just didn’t have enough willpower to not eat what I wanted just because I thought I might look better. Who’d care if I looked better anyway, right?

And then this year I got scared. This year the doctor tested me for diabetes and a thyroid problem. This year I realized that if I didn’t make the change voluntarily, I’d have to make it to save my own life later on down the road. It was a week after that – not a week after getting engaged or buying a dress or even getting married – that I got serious and went on SBD.

I guess the point of all that was just to pat myself on the back for not letting vanity be my motivator. Of course, it’s not like my health couldn’t have motivated me a little earlier… But that’s beside the point.

Anyway, I know this post has gotten a bit long, but last but not least on the topics of conversation today: the blog makeover! Yes, the blog got a makeover because I know one is due for me fairly soon; if I look different, why not the blog? This week I’ve started having to toss out some pants and shirts that I’ve worn for the last time; they’re simply so big on me now that they either won’t stay up or make me look bigger than I am (never a good thing). I still have some of my smaller clothes that I’m getting back into, but these have definitely seen their last. And pretty soon… I will have to buy some new stuff.

Unlucky Wednesday Weigh-In #13

Ok, so this wasn’t the best weight loss week ever. I probably had a few more starches than I should have (especially yesterday: three pieces of bread the day before a weigh-in?) and I had a couple of sweets throughout the week (cake and a Margarita at the wedding Friday night, an Odwalla peanut butter chocolate chip bar Monday night, and a chocolate chip cookie yesterday). But hey, a loss is a loss, and I will take it. Hopefully I can exercise a little more self-control this week!

 

Starting Weight: 226.5 lbs
Last Weigh-In: 193 lbs
Current Weight: 192.5 lbs
Weight Lost This Week: 0.5 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 34 lbs

Starting Waist: 45 in
Last Weigh-In: 37 in
Current Waist: 36.5 in
Inches Lost This Week: 0.5 in
Total Inches Lost: 8.5 in

Starting Hips: 47 in
Last Weigh-In: 43 in
Current Hips: 42.75 in
Inches Lost This Week: 0.25 in
Total Inches Lost: 4.25 in

 

I also lost 2% in body fat this week, which is exciting, and I am steadily losing inches in my chest, thighs, calves, and arms. My waist-hip ratio is currently 0.854. It’s gradual, but it’s happening.

Day 93: Miscellany

After yesterday’s weigh-in, I felt the need to prove to you all that I am, in fact, still eating starches. Thus, this is what I ate for lunch yesterday: a delicious turkey sausage pesto pizza made on the Ezekiel 4:9 pita bread. It was really tasty.

I also had a sub sandwich for dinner yesterday. It was on whole wheat, but still, it was a sandwich. I went ahead and took the risk because I was pretty exhausted and Hubbo had a craving for Dion’s, the local popular pizza chain. I obviously didn’t want to order pizza, and I was way too exhausted to subsist on a salad (though their salads are fabulous), and so I went for the sandwich.

So I am at 195 lbs this morning. That is absolutely fine with me for a couple of reasons. 1) I am still at my goal, which was set for next Wednesday, and so I’m early. 2) It makes me believe that yesterday’s weigh-in of 193 lbs was, in fact, accurate, because I do tend to gain after having a sandwich for dinner. And if gaining put me at 195 lbs, it stands to logic that I was surely under it before. 

Anyway, right smack dab in the middle here I’m going to post a bit of TMI, so go ahead and skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to read about my period. My TOM started yesterday, and I have to tell you: it seems like the more weight I lose, the worse my cramps get. I don’t understand it. I’m on BC, so for the past several years I’ve had really light, fairly painless periods (though before that I had terrible, terrible cramping every month). Over the past months, I have had bad cramps every time. Why?? Losing weight is supposed to make my cycle healthier and more stable, is it not? And so is BC, so I’m really at a loss. Is anyone else out there experiencing this?

I also noticed a bit of an NSV yesterday. I was sitting with my legs crossed and I realized I can actually do that now. It should be noted that I have enormous thighs, and that it’s there that I really want to lose a lot of weight – even more than in my tummy at this point. Anyway, I am encouraged that they are actually getting smaller! When I used to cross my legs, I couldn’t get the bottom of the top knee to rest on the top of the bottom knee because my thighs were so giant, and so my top leg was always at an exaggerated angle. No more! Huzzah! (Note: I don’t expect that this description accurately depicts what was happening to my legs for most of you, but just trust me. Anybody that’s had this problem will understand.)

I believe that’s it for the day. I hope you liked my photo. I keep meaning to take pictures of some food and blog about it but I never remember, so hopefully that will get me started. See you all tomorrow!

Wednesday Weigh-In #11

Ok. Here it is. Officially. Bleh.

Starting Weight: 226.5 lbs
Last Weigh-In: 197 lbs
Current Weight: 199.5
Weight Lost This Week: gained 2.5 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 27

Starting Waist: 45 in
Last Weigh-In: 37 in
Current Waist: 37.5 in
Inches Lost This Week: gained .5 in
Total Inches Lost: 7.5 in

Starting Hips: 47 in
Last Weigh-In: 43 in
Current Hips: 43.25 in
Inches Lost This Week: gained .25 in
Total Inches Lost: 3.75 in

 

So, still a gain. I get that I gained while camping. What I don’t get is that I gained again the day after when I had been good – totally and completely good. Oh well. Slow and steady wins the race, I know it. It’s just hard to see myself backslide like this and how long it takes me to recover from just a couple of bad decisions.

In slightly better news… I’m thinking of going shopping sometime this week. I have a hunch I might be able to fit into a size 12 at a couple of select stores… If that’s the case, I will be able to say I’ve lost three pants sizes (since I was wearing a really-tight-should-have-been-an-eighteen-16 when all this started). We’ll see if I really get that gutsy.

Day 77: Against Social Eating

I’ve weighed in at 198 lbs this morning! Hooray! And actually, the scale said 197.5 several times first, and then started saying 198, so I think I’m somewhere in between those. I hope I don’t mess it up for the weigh-in tomorrow!

I should be fine, considering that there is already a plan in motion to combat any slip-ups that might occur. Hubbo’s cousins are in town this week, and the family got together last night and will be doing so again tonight to spend some time with them. We wisely turned down the socializing last night, and will also be eating dinner before going to see them tonight, despite a lot of pressure to do otherwise. But what can I say? My mom-in-law is making lasagna. Firstly, I’ve already had a cheat meal this week. Secondly, there’s nobody in the world who can get me to eat lasagna on the day before a weigh-in when I’ve been working this hard.

The thing is, social eating is probably the biggest downfall of most dieters. We want to spend time with our friends and family, and that so often includes sharing a meal together. What friends and family don’t realize is that we (dieters) make such deliberate choices about what we will eat and what we won’t. And what most dieters don’t realize is that it’s ok to tell people that, while you think the food they’ve prepared looks delicious, we’re not going to have any, thank you.

It’s hard to be polite in turning down something someone has prepared for you, but sometimes it just has to be done. In this situation, I know that my mom-in-law would probably bend over backwards and prepare a completely separate meal for me if I told her “no, thanks,” and I would feel equally bad about that. To combat this, Hubbo and I have just taken ourselves out of the equation; we will just eat before we come.

Here’s to hoping for a good weigh-in tomorrow!

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Updated to include a HUGE NSV!!:

I just logged onto the United Blood Services website to check my cholesterol (which they test free for you) from my donation last week. It is down thirty points from my previous donations! All my previous donations had been at about 203, 204 (just in the “borderline high risk” zone), but last week’s donation was 173 – healthy! Awesome!

Day 59: Glorious (and not so glorious) Food

In the interests of honesty, I feel I have to tell you: I am getting so sick of salad!

The limitations on Phase I really do mean that you eat a lot of them. I really am a fan of salad in general – I’ve always liked them. I do miss my Ranch dressing, but it’s ok: I like vinaigrettes too. I’m just so sick of lettuce right now! Ugh. Keep plowing through.

However, I have made a new discovery to lighten the monotony of the egg breakfasts I eat every morning! Ok, so I didn’t actually “discover” it, and most of you have heard this a thousand times before (just like I had), but I never bought into it. Turkey sausage! We’re allowed to have Turkey Sausage/Bacon starting with Phase I, and even if you’re not on SBD, check it out! It is way lower in fat (blah blah blah, you all know this) but it really doesn’t taste that bad (maybe you didn’t know that!) It actually does taste very similar to pork sausage – at least, the Jennie O brand does. It’s missing a little bit of the spicy kick I like in sausage, and the meat is softer in texture, but otherwise it is just like sausage. I’m excited about this because you can only have eggs and canadian bacon so many different ways, and I’m not going to make an entire frittata when I’m the only one here to eat it.

Anyway, my mom did notice my weight loss unprompted last night, so that was nice. Also, I was good when we went out. We picked her up at the airport and went out to Applebee’s afterward. We had already eaten dinner, but my tummy was growling (had only had 800 calories all day long). I ordered a cup of Tortilla soup and spooned all the tortilla strips out onto the side of the plate. According to the nutrition info Hubbo found, it is pretty high in carbs – but that includes all the tortilla strips, so I think I’m good.

I’m down to 204.5 lbs again this morning, so it didn’t do any damage at least. But it seems I just can’t make it to that 10% loss mark… It’s always just out of my reach! Oh well, I’m sure I will get there before the next weigh-in. I mean, I have to lose something this week… Right?

Wednesday Weigh-In #7, and Sizing things Up!

Good morning!

So, since this is measurement day and all, I feel it’s appropriate to tell you: I’ve lost a cup size! (Also, I find it interesting to note that I find it “appropriate” to share that information with the outside world ever, but this being a diet blog and all…) Yesterday, after several days of noticing that my bust size was perceivably smaller, I decided to measure. I had been fighting this because the way my bras were fitting made me think they were too small, despite what I visually noticed in my body. Turns out I was wearing a band size too small and a cup size too large – no wonder they didn’t fit right! This is a major NSV for me. Bra-shopping has always been one of my worst enemies, just because it was so difficult to find anything that fit that wasn’t made for a granny. Even if my band size still makes it difficult to shop for bras, that won’t be the case for long. I am losing and it is making a difference.

It is nice to finally lose a size in something. It’s kind of disappointing to me that I’ve lost over 20 lbs and still wear the same pants size. Unfortunately, that’s what happens to people who don’t own up to their weight gain and continue wearing sizes too small for them (we’re talking major muffin-top issues here) like me. Now that my pants actually do fit, I probably have lost a pants-size. I just haven’t gotten to celebrate by needing to buy new pants.

Anyway, onto today’s stats!

 

Starting Weight: 226.5 lbs
Last Weigh-In: 211 lbs
Current Weight: 204.5 lbs
Weight Lost This Week: 6.5 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 22 lbs

Starting Waist: 45 in
Last Weigh-In: 40.5 in
Current Waist: 39.5 in
Inches Lost This Week:   1 in
Total Inches Lost: 5.5 in

Starting Hips: 47 in
Last Weigh-In: 44.5 in
Current Hips: 44 in
Inches Lost This Week: 0.5 in
Total Inches Lost: 3 in

 

I’m pretty excited that I will definitely be hitting another of my important goals this week even though I didn’t actually set a date for it. I am days – maybe one day – away from hitting 204 lbs: loss of 10% of my weight. I already technically lost all the weight I gained over the past year – April 07 to April 08 – when I hit 205 lbs yesterday, even though I lumped those two together in the Goals page. Woohoo! Finally hitting that big 10% is important to me. Apparently, it greatly improves your health to lose 10% of your body weight even if you’re still overweight. 

Well, that’s all folks. One more week of Phase I (Part II) to go. 

Day 53: Danger, Will Robinson!

Had another NSV (non-scale victory, for those of you who are new) yesterday! Someone at my office stopped me in the hall and said, “Are you losing a ton of weight really fast??” Now, I have had plenty of non-documented NSVs since the beginning of the diet, mostly because there are certain people whose compliments I just don’t trust. I’m really bad about that, I know, but my logic is this: if somebody knows you’re on a diet, they’ll be looking for the weight loss, and they’ll find it on days that you look particularly nice. But this woman (who has several children and is yet still cute as a high school cheerleader) did not know I was on a diet. This must mean she actually noticed something! Thus, I am excited.

Anyway, I felt like crap pretty much all day yesterday. I didn’t feel hungry, or nauseated, and my stomach wasn’t in pain, but I felt so blah and uncomfortable and tired and grumpy. I think the best way to describe it would be “bloated.” So after eating the dinner I didn’t really want because I knew I had to I went in to track my calories using my-calorie-counter, and I figured out pretty quick what was wrong with me!

After eating three meals and two snacks yesterday, all of which are SBD-approved, I had consumed less than 700 calories.

Hubbo and I jumped in the car and he took me to Wendy’s so I could get some Chili (surprisingly not all that bad for you). I also had one of their new Chicken-to-go-Wraps (without the wrap, of course), not realizing that it would have a sugary dressing inside. And I topped it off with some peanut butter to hit about 1500 cals by the end of the day.

This morning I was up a bit to 207.5 lbs, but you know: it was worth the minor weight gain (which will come off in a couple days anyway) to get rid of the awful feeling that my body was dying or going into a coma or something.

So a word to the wise: even though the SBD book says there’s no reason to count calories on this diet, make sure you at least keep track of them. They mean you don’t have to count because if you follow the meal plans, there’s no way you can get too many calories since all the food is so low-cal to begin with. But make sure you’re getting enough!

Phase II, Day 24: Reclaiming my Goal

New low of 209 lbs this morning. That’s down 1.5 lbs from yesterday.

Geesh. See what happens when I don’t cheat and I quit carrying water-weight around in my uterus?

I’m glad to see this loss, finally. I knew I didn’t deserve a loss for the weigh-in yesterday because I fell off the wagon so badly, but seeing the weight come off is the biggest motivator to continue faithfully with the diet foods. It was hard not to cheat yesterday, and I really came thisclose to having a candy bar. But I was good (Mocha Ricotta Creme satisfied my chocolate craving instead) and it paid off.

Huzzah!

Oh, and by the way: I went bathing-suit shopping in preparation for the va-cay the other day. Yes, I am still over 200 lbs and by no means have a “beach body,” but I was surprised that I am much more comfortable with my upper thighs than I have been in years. I am surprised about this because I still weigh more than I did at this time last year, and I have some pictures of myself in my bathing suit back then. Yuck! But I guess it’s not all about weight-loss; sometimes it’s about weight-redistribution. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: I didn’t buy a bathing suit that has boyshorts or a skirt on the bottom to help cover my giant thighs. They are still bigger than I want them, and jiggly, but they are by no means unsightly (in my opinion, at least) anymore.