Day 110: Return from the Abyss (and the Fat Scale)

Sorry about the lack of posts recently – our internet has been really unreliable this weekend. I think (hope!) the problem is fixed now, so you should be hearing from me a little more regularly now. Still, to make up for the lack of posting since Thursday, here’s a bonus post from me (it’s my southwestern three-bean-salad recipe, since I found out I don’t really like traditional three-bean salads).

Anyway, I have no idea how much I weigh right now because I didn’t weigh myself this morning. Yesterday morning I was at 194 lbs even, but I had McDonald’s for lunch today (no time, no choices!) so we’ll see what happens.

I hate my new fat scale.

Day 107: Brussels Sprouts and Wine

I was so upset about my weigh-in/scale setback yesterday that I forgot to post this pretty picture of Tuesday night’s dinner. I finally made those kabobs I bought from Whole Foods the other day, and I paired them with this amazing brussels sprouts recipe. Neither Hubbo nor I had actually ever eaten brussels sprouts before, so this was kind of an adventure. Apparently they are some of the healthiest food in the world, so we (I) decided to give them a try. I thought they were delicious! I didn’t use the pine nuts the recipe called for because I didn’t feel like buying pine nuts for one dish, but they were still great.

Anyway, I’ve decided that today I will be optimistic. I have found one thing that I can be glad about with the fat new scale purchase: it might help me to stop weighing every day. Seeing where I am and feeling this disappointment could be just the thing to keep me from stepping on that scale every morning. Also, knowing that I’m going to see the losses in smaller increments (tiny 0.2 lb increments instead of 0.5 lb increments that feel like they actually mean something) might help. We’ll see. As of this morning, I was down (up?) to 194 lbs; I haven’t decided yet if I will weigh in tomorrow or not.

And just for the purposes of being self-aware… I’m pretty sure that it’s the booze that has been bringing me down. For the most part on this diet I’ve been extremely moderate (oxymoron?) with my drinking. And I’m still not going out to get drunk or anything like that. But in the past week or ten days, I have had several glasses of wine. Usually no more than one per day, and red – which is allowed in moderation on SBD – but still. Things that are allowed in moderation shouldn’t be had every day; that’s just not moderate. And so I will make a point to cut back on my wino-ing. Maybe wine once a week from now on – that seems moderate enough for me.

Wednesday Weigh-In #14: NEW SCALE

I am so depressed right now.

Last night, I came to realize that my scale was broken. I got on it just to check things out and get a little preview for the morning, and it said 180 lbs. And then the numbers started going up. And then they started going down. And Hubbo got on and it said he was in the 140s, which he’s not, and then it said he was in the 150s, which he’s also not.

We bought a new scale – a fancy one that claims to tell you your body fat and water weight percentage. It also tells me that I am not as light as I thought I was.

The thing is that I don’t know when my other scale started to go crazy. How long have I been deluding myself? Did I ever really hit my goal of 191 lbs? I’m not sure if the scale was broken the whole time or if it just happens to register less weight on it in general. It’s so frustrating not to know!

But because I don’t know, I can’t adjust any of my prior records. And so this week will show up as a gain on my track record because, although I’m fairly certain that I didn’t gain weight, the new scale shows a bigger number than the old scale. 

So here’s the bitter truth (as told by new scale):

 

Starting Weight: 226.5 lbs
Last Weigh-In: 192.5
Current Weight: 194.4 lbs
Weight Lost This Week: gained 1.9 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 32.1 lbs

Starting Waist: 45 in
Last Weigh-In: 36.5
Current Waist: 36.5 in
Inches Lost This Week: 0 in
Total Inches Lost: 8.5 in

Starting Hips: 47 in
Last Weigh-In: 42.75 in
Current Hips: 42
Inches Lost This Week: 0.75 in
Total Inches Lost: 5 in

 

Day 105: It is OK to eat food.

I had a mini-breakdown last night, and a revelation this morning.

Last night I was sitting on the couch, ready to cook my pre-made kabobs from Whole Foods, knowing that they were healthy and ready to go and diet-approved… and I lost it. I had what could best be described as a temper tantrum, complete with near-tears. The exchange went something like, “But I don’t want kabobs! I want a cheeseburger!” The idea of eating another diet meal was suddenly revolting and oppressive.

This morning I realized that my tantrum wasn’t really about kabobs and cheeseburgers. In fact, I had a slice of pizza and a Greek salad, so I know that my craving wasn’t really for a burger at all. It was for freedom.

Here’s the deal: before I started this diet, I was a food addict. I had a totally unhealthy view of what food was meant for and how to treat it – essentially, an eating disorder. Now that I am on the diet, I have re-learned a lot of things about how to relate to food and making healthy decisions, but there still has to be a distinction between “good food” and “bad food,” because 1) these rules help me to develop healthy habits, and 2) they provide a buffer for me to ensure that I don’t rely only on my own disordered eating judgement and totally fall off the wagon.

But creating rules about what is “good food” and what is “bad food,” when taken too far, can also lead to disordered eating of a different kind. I think sometimes as dieters we forget that food is not inherently bad for you; it’s too much food, or too much of a certain type of food and not enough of others, that hurts us. I think that the reason a lot of diets (and dieters) fail is that we create this food morality of what is good and what is bad, and then can’t handle the guilt if we eat something off the “bad” list. We feel like failures and we give up.

Yes, restrictions are good; I know what I should and shouldn’t eat according to my diet. But I also know that while my diet happens to be low-carb, that doesn’t mean that all carbs are bad or that if I eat them I will never lose another pound and I am condemning myself to eternal obesity. This is yet another facet of how I feel about self-control: it is I – not the food, not even the diet – who needs to be in control of what I eat. Last night, I made the executive decision to have a slice of pizza, and yesterday morning I had sugar in my coffee.

This morning, I am still at my low of 191 lbs. 

My success is not measured by how well I follow the rules of the South Beach Diet. It is measured by the increasing confidence I have in my own ability to eat a healthy, balanced diet in the real world, where people go to restaurants, sometimes order pizza, and occasionally eat fast food. Those are not the staples of my diet simply because I eat them every now and then. I just have to remind myself of this.

My new mantra: It is ok to eat food!

Day 93: Miscellany

After yesterday’s weigh-in, I felt the need to prove to you all that I am, in fact, still eating starches. Thus, this is what I ate for lunch yesterday: a delicious turkey sausage pesto pizza made on the Ezekiel 4:9 pita bread. It was really tasty.

I also had a sub sandwich for dinner yesterday. It was on whole wheat, but still, it was a sandwich. I went ahead and took the risk because I was pretty exhausted and Hubbo had a craving for Dion’s, the local popular pizza chain. I obviously didn’t want to order pizza, and I was way too exhausted to subsist on a salad (though their salads are fabulous), and so I went for the sandwich.

So I am at 195 lbs this morning. That is absolutely fine with me for a couple of reasons. 1) I am still at my goal, which was set for next Wednesday, and so I’m early. 2) It makes me believe that yesterday’s weigh-in of 193 lbs was, in fact, accurate, because I do tend to gain after having a sandwich for dinner. And if gaining put me at 195 lbs, it stands to logic that I was surely under it before. 

Anyway, right smack dab in the middle here I’m going to post a bit of TMI, so go ahead and skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to read about my period. My TOM started yesterday, and I have to tell you: it seems like the more weight I lose, the worse my cramps get. I don’t understand it. I’m on BC, so for the past several years I’ve had really light, fairly painless periods (though before that I had terrible, terrible cramping every month). Over the past months, I have had bad cramps every time. Why?? Losing weight is supposed to make my cycle healthier and more stable, is it not? And so is BC, so I’m really at a loss. Is anyone else out there experiencing this?

I also noticed a bit of an NSV yesterday. I was sitting with my legs crossed and I realized I can actually do that now. It should be noted that I have enormous thighs, and that it’s there that I really want to lose a lot of weight – even more than in my tummy at this point. Anyway, I am encouraged that they are actually getting smaller! When I used to cross my legs, I couldn’t get the bottom of the top knee to rest on the top of the bottom knee because my thighs were so giant, and so my top leg was always at an exaggerated angle. No more! Huzzah! (Note: I don’t expect that this description accurately depicts what was happening to my legs for most of you, but just trust me. Anybody that’s had this problem will understand.)

I believe that’s it for the day. I hope you liked my photo. I keep meaning to take pictures of some food and blog about it but I never remember, so hopefully that will get me started. See you all tomorrow!

Day 91: Hydrate!

I guess the scale was more accurate yesterday than I thought. It stuck to 195.5 lbs this morning.

I really think one of the things that was holding me back the past couple of weeks was lack of water intake. Now, I know diet bloggers tend to harp on drinking enough water, and I know this isn’t an original idea. But truly – I stopped paying attention to it as much as I paid attention to the rest of my diet and my weight loss slowed down. Now I’m back in action and as of right now I’ve lost 4 lbs since last Wednesday (6 days).

I really hope tomorrow’s weigh-in goes well. I mean, I know that I will have lost, so I’m not worried about that. I guess I’ve just gotten used to seeing these super-low numbers and I’ll be kind of disappointed if tomorrow I get on the scale and it says 197 lbs again. I know that’s 2.5 lbs in a week and nothing to scoff at, but it feels like I’m moving past that now. It’s just so unpredictable… I hate that my weight fluctuates so much from day to day.

I know fluctuation is normal and I keep telling myself that. But still… I’m on a diet! I’m eating fewer calories than I’m burning, and I’m eating low-carb, so: what’s the problem? Why is it that if I eat one non-diet meal I gain? Why is it that one week on vacation (with lots of healthy snacks and no overeating) sets me back 5 lbs? Honestly, this makes me really afraid that I’m going to get to my goal weight, go on maintenance, and balloon up from eating normally. I’m afraid I won’t be able to prevent gaining if I’m not losing.

Ah well. I have a ways to go before I have to worry about that. It presently annoys me because I want an amazing weigh-in tomorrow, but I’m going to let the big worry just kind of sit there in the recesses of my mind until I absolutely have to deal with it.

Day 74: I Did It!

Finally! 199 lbs as of this morning. Despite the working out yesterday. W00t!

I am fairly sore today, but it’s not from C25K. I was fine when I woke up, but we went to the gym and did some weights and I am kind of paying for it now. Hopefully all the soreness will subside by the time Monday rolls around for Week 2, Run 1.

Anyway, as far as setting another goal goes… I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do yet. Do I want to set an 8 lb goal to get to 191 lbs? It seems kind of far out of reach. I like setting very short-term goals so I can feel the affirmation of accomplishing them often. It could take two months (though hopefully it won’t) for me to lose 8 lbs!

The other thing is that I haven’t decided yet whether I am going to go on Phase I for another week in July. Hubbo and I have been talking about going camping again – possibly for two nights this time – over the holiday weekend, and I’m worried it will set me back really far again. I don’t want to experience another week of losing nothing. Also, there is that wedding we are going to on July 18th. Do I want to accelerate the weight loss a bit before that? I don’t know…

So here’s what I’m going to do. As of right now, I’m assuming that I will not be back on Phase I any time soon. If that changes, then I just meet the goal early, which is fine and great. I’m going to aim for 195 lbs. This is halfway from where I am to my “big deal goal” of 191 lbs (where I go from being obese to overweight according to the BMI.) And I’m going to give myself three weeks to lose the four pounds, just in case camping hurts me really bad. The definitive date will be July 23rd. And like I said, if I come in early: great.

So in case you hadn’t noticed, goal-setting is really hard for me. I’m sorry to draw it out and over-analyze it like this, but I’m always afraid that I will set a goal that is not realistic and that I can’t meet. I guess I feel like if I don’t meet a goal, the part of me that doesn’t believe I can lose this weight will take over and I will give in to the idea that I am a failure. I am a fairly easily discouraged person, so I really need to accomplish what I say I’m going to when I put these goals in writing. That’s why I agonize over each one. I guess what I’m trying to say is: I’m sorry if it seems overly-dramatic, but that’s the truth about how I’m feeling. Most of you are reading this to find out what I am experiencing on this journey, and sometimes obsession is the honest-to-God truth of it.

Day 72: Expect the Unexpected

I know that I shouldn’t be frustrated, but I am.

Like I’ve said before, I always tend to gain weight the day after I’ve gone to the gym. I don’t know why this is or how to stop it, but at least I understand the trend. Or so I thought.

Last night, I felt really light. I just knew I had lost weight yesterday. So I went ahead and weighed myself this morning.

Nope! A gain of 0.5 lbs. Why?? Why did I do it? I know what happens to my body after I work out, and yet… And now I’ve seen the gain and I’m all frustrated about it. I did this to myself. I just shouldn’t have gotten on the scale.

But never fear. I will not let this stop me. I am not plateauing and I refuse to fear the worst. It is a simple case of after-gym-weight-gain, nothing more.

ARGH.

Day 53: Danger, Will Robinson!

Had another NSV (non-scale victory, for those of you who are new) yesterday! Someone at my office stopped me in the hall and said, “Are you losing a ton of weight really fast??” Now, I have had plenty of non-documented NSVs since the beginning of the diet, mostly because there are certain people whose compliments I just don’t trust. I’m really bad about that, I know, but my logic is this: if somebody knows you’re on a diet, they’ll be looking for the weight loss, and they’ll find it on days that you look particularly nice. But this woman (who has several children and is yet still cute as a high school cheerleader) did not know I was on a diet. This must mean she actually noticed something! Thus, I am excited.

Anyway, I felt like crap pretty much all day yesterday. I didn’t feel hungry, or nauseated, and my stomach wasn’t in pain, but I felt so blah and uncomfortable and tired and grumpy. I think the best way to describe it would be “bloated.” So after eating the dinner I didn’t really want because I knew I had to I went in to track my calories using my-calorie-counter, and I figured out pretty quick what was wrong with me!

After eating three meals and two snacks yesterday, all of which are SBD-approved, I had consumed less than 700 calories.

Hubbo and I jumped in the car and he took me to Wendy’s so I could get some Chili (surprisingly not all that bad for you). I also had one of their new Chicken-to-go-Wraps (without the wrap, of course), not realizing that it would have a sugary dressing inside. And I topped it off with some peanut butter to hit about 1500 cals by the end of the day.

This morning I was up a bit to 207.5 lbs, but you know: it was worth the minor weight gain (which will come off in a couple days anyway) to get rid of the awful feeling that my body was dying or going into a coma or something.

So a word to the wise: even though the SBD book says there’s no reason to count calories on this diet, make sure you at least keep track of them. They mean you don’t have to count because if you follow the meal plans, there’s no way you can get too many calories since all the food is so low-cal to begin with. But make sure you’re getting enough!

Day 51: I Love You, Phase I

I hit a new low today – 208 lbs. Just like the first time around, I’ve lost 3 lbs after one day on Phase I. 

It boggles my mind. I honestly wasn’t expecting this. I figured that most of the weight I lost in Phase I the first go-round was water-weight, but if there’s one thing I did not stop doing while we were on vacation, it’s managing my water intake. Bizarre.

Yet extremely exciting.

I did ok going back on the strict phase yesterday, but I did get kind of annoyed about it last night. While on Phase II, I pretty much stuck to eating between 1400 and 1600 calories a day. That’s harder to do on Phase I, as most of the foods that are allowed are lower in calories to begin with. So last night around 8:30 or so, I got hungry – most likely due to eating fewer calories yesterday. The annoying thing was that the only thing I felt like I could really snack on was a string cheese. I could have had celery or jell-o, too, I guess, but they didn’t sound appetizing. It frustrated me that I felt like I had so few options.

But guess what: the string cheese curbed my appetite.

So a word of encouragement: discipline pays off! I am already 25.9% of the way to my goal, people, and it hasn’t even been two months!