Day 110: Return from the Abyss (and the Fat Scale)

Sorry about the lack of posts recently – our internet has been really unreliable this weekend. I think (hope!) the problem is fixed now, so you should be hearing from me a little more regularly now. Still, to make up for the lack of posting since Thursday, here’s a bonus post from me (it’s my southwestern three-bean-salad recipe, since I found out I don’t really like traditional three-bean salads).

Anyway, I have no idea how much I weigh right now because I didn’t weigh myself this morning. Yesterday morning I was at 194 lbs even, but I had McDonald’s for lunch today (no time, no choices!) so we’ll see what happens.

I hate my new fat scale.

Day 105: It is OK to eat food.

I had a mini-breakdown last night, and a revelation this morning.

Last night I was sitting on the couch, ready to cook my pre-made kabobs from Whole Foods, knowing that they were healthy and ready to go and diet-approved… and I lost it. I had what could best be described as a temper tantrum, complete with near-tears. The exchange went something like, “But I don’t want kabobs! I want a cheeseburger!” The idea of eating another diet meal was suddenly revolting and oppressive.

This morning I realized that my tantrum wasn’t really about kabobs and cheeseburgers. In fact, I had a slice of pizza and a Greek salad, so I know that my craving wasn’t really for a burger at all. It was for freedom.

Here’s the deal: before I started this diet, I was a food addict. I had a totally unhealthy view of what food was meant for and how to treat it – essentially, an eating disorder. Now that I am on the diet, I have re-learned a lot of things about how to relate to food and making healthy decisions, but there still has to be a distinction between “good food” and “bad food,” because 1) these rules help me to develop healthy habits, and 2) they provide a buffer for me to ensure that I don’t rely only on my own disordered eating judgement and totally fall off the wagon.

But creating rules about what is “good food” and what is “bad food,” when taken too far, can also lead to disordered eating of a different kind. I think sometimes as dieters we forget that food is not inherently bad for you; it’s too much food, or too much of a certain type of food and not enough of others, that hurts us. I think that the reason a lot of diets (and dieters) fail is that we create this food morality of what is good and what is bad, and then can’t handle the guilt if we eat something off the “bad” list. We feel like failures and we give up.

Yes, restrictions are good; I know what I should and shouldn’t eat according to my diet. But I also know that while my diet happens to be low-carb, that doesn’t mean that all carbs are bad or that if I eat them I will never lose another pound and I am condemning myself to eternal obesity. This is yet another facet of how I feel about self-control: it is I – not the food, not even the diet – who needs to be in control of what I eat. Last night, I made the executive decision to have a slice of pizza, and yesterday morning I had sugar in my coffee.

This morning, I am still at my low of 191 lbs. 

My success is not measured by how well I follow the rules of the South Beach Diet. It is measured by the increasing confidence I have in my own ability to eat a healthy, balanced diet in the real world, where people go to restaurants, sometimes order pizza, and occasionally eat fast food. Those are not the staples of my diet simply because I eat them every now and then. I just have to remind myself of this.

My new mantra: It is ok to eat food!

Day 102: Excuses, Excuses

Yesterday, I made a very bad decision.

When I got home from work, I was exhausted. I had slept maybe four hours the night before, and every night this week we have been volunteering at VBS (Vacation Bible School) for the kids at our church. This means that I have been getting off work one hour early to come home and make dinner, so that Hubbo can eat right when he gets home and we can leave about 15 minutes later.

I really, really didn’t want to cook. So I told Hubbo to pick up some Sonic on the way home. Aaand… I rationalized to myself that since I couldn’t have French Fries with my burger, I could have an order of popcorn chicken on the side.

This was, of course, after I had already had a slice of toast for breakfast, and a half-sandwich for lunch, so we are talking carb-mania here. I had such a stomachache last night – I think I shocked my system by eating the crap that it’s not used to anymore.

This morning there was no change: 191 lbs again. I got so lucky.

But the experience did make me realize something. It’s not necessarily cravings for bad foods that make me break my diet, or not being able to resist desserts or extra servings and whatnot. It’s laziness. This is not the first time that I have been too tired to cook and we had to go somewhere cheap and fast due to our busy schedule. On the one hand, this is a good thing, because it means that I don’t really have a will-power problem when it comes to making good decisions. On the other hand, this is terrible, because my busy schedule is most likely not going to change any time soon, so this excuse – and the bad habits that go with it – might not be going away.

Food for thought, I guess.

Unlucky Wednesday Weigh-In #13

Ok, so this wasn’t the best weight loss week ever. I probably had a few more starches than I should have (especially yesterday: three pieces of bread the day before a weigh-in?) and I had a couple of sweets throughout the week (cake and a Margarita at the wedding Friday night, an Odwalla peanut butter chocolate chip bar Monday night, and a chocolate chip cookie yesterday). But hey, a loss is a loss, and I will take it. Hopefully I can exercise a little more self-control this week!

 

Starting Weight: 226.5 lbs
Last Weigh-In: 193 lbs
Current Weight: 192.5 lbs
Weight Lost This Week: 0.5 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 34 lbs

Starting Waist: 45 in
Last Weigh-In: 37 in
Current Waist: 36.5 in
Inches Lost This Week: 0.5 in
Total Inches Lost: 8.5 in

Starting Hips: 47 in
Last Weigh-In: 43 in
Current Hips: 42.75 in
Inches Lost This Week: 0.25 in
Total Inches Lost: 4.25 in

 

I also lost 2% in body fat this week, which is exciting, and I am steadily losing inches in my chest, thighs, calves, and arms. My waist-hip ratio is currently 0.854. It’s gradual, but it’s happening.

Day 95: Body Illusions

I had a fairly depressing thought yesterday. Two of my coworkers commented on my weight-loss; both of them said something to the effect of “You look fabulous!” And you know what I heard? I didn’t hear what they said, but instead I heard “You look better” or, “Gee, you’re not quite so noticeably fat as you used to be.”

Now I admit, I have always had trouble accepting compliments. I have a vague memory of my mother once telling me as a little girl that to accept a compliment readily would make people think you were stuck up. As a result, I think I have always had trouble believing in the nice things people have told me; I don’t want to put too much stock in what I’m hearing (because we all know people just tend to say what you want to hear) because I don’t want to get out of touch with reality.

I know that this is totally unhealthy. I know that I need to get over my bad body-image. And yes, it is steadily improving… But come on, I know I don’t look “fabulous.” I really only look good comparatively speaking. That’s enough for me, because I know I am on my way to littler and better things (ha), so why do people feel the need to embellish?

Anyway, I’ve decided to make a deal with you. Here’s a nice pretty picture of me to prove I’m doing my best to get a grip on my body image – sharing photos is part of being proud of how you look, right? – and in exchange, no comments on how I need to be accepting and how there is beauty at every size, etc. Believe me folks, I’ve heard it all before. And hey, I’m not saying I look bad… I just don’t look how I want to look and how I know I can look. ‘Nuff said? All right. Enjoy this pic of me dolled up for the wedding we went to last night.

Incidentally, I bought this dress two years ago and never wore it until last night. It wasn’t until after I stuffed myself into it that Hubbo, tucking in my tag, realized it was a fourteen. Now, I’ve been able to wear fourteen pants comfortably for a while, but getting into a fourteen on the top? That’s something. (I promise my boobs didn’t look obscenely large all night long; they looked normal in the mirror, I swear!)

So the wedding… I had a piece of cake (it was carrot cake with lots of decadently sugary butter cream icing) and a Margarita. Now, I know a Margarita is probably the worst thing I could have chosen, but come on – give me a break. I live in the southwest: it’s all about the Margarita! It is my favorite drink and I’ve only had it once since the beginning of my diet (not including last night) 95 days ago. It was a special occasion, and I splurged.

I was only one pound heavier today – 194.5 lbs – which could have been due to normal fluctuation as much as to my sugar high last night. Encouraging, to say the least. A loss is still possible for this week.

Day 87: So We’ve Come to an Understanding…

I weigh 197 lbs this morning, so I gained one yesterday.

I am kind of surprised about this. I was on all Phase I foods again yesterday. Unfortunately, I had some really fatty meat for dinner (parents wanted to go to a BBQ restaurant) so that was most likely the culprit. I did manage to order the only two non-carb side dishes they had and I physically wiped the BBQ sauce off my food, but I guess I just ate too much meat. I didn’t feel overly-stuffed though, so that’s good.

But it’s only two days into the weigh-in “week,” so I’m confident that I can lose some more and do fairly well by next Wednesday. I don’t think I’ll have any problem meeting the 195 lbs by July 23rd goal.

And now for a C25K update…

I haven’t been running at all this week. In fact, I haven’t even gone to the gym. I have been avoiding mentioning this (as some of you have probably recognized) until I came to some sort of decision. I have been thinking about whether or not I want to continue the program.

Now first, let me say that if I decide not to continue, I’m not going to be disappointed in myself. If I stop now, it’s not because I don’t think that I can do it; it’s not because the program has somehow beaten me. Honestly, if I decide to stop now, it’s because I don’t like running. I have never liked it, even when I was a fit little girl. It just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me to try to sustain an exercise regimen that I know I will hate and possibly try to get out of when I could be exercising doing things I like: swimming, tennis, dancing, aerobics (never actually tried that, but I think I would like it) or even the elliptical machine. It just seems to make more sense to pick an exercise that I will enjoy – that way I can advance at it without hating my life.

And I had almost completely decided to quit C25K. I was thisclose to announcing the decision. But then yesterday my boss put a little brochure on my desk for a charity run our own company is having to benefit the community we work in, and do you know what it is? It’s a 5K. I couldn’t help but think that this came across my desk when it did for a reason. I couldn’t help but think that God was encouraging me to continue. And so I wrestled. “But I hate C25K!” I said.

But then it came to me – a moment of pure genius and absolute clairvoyance, a supernatural understanding: I can run/walk a 5K without going through the C25K program!

So that is my plan. I will return to the gym on Monday morning. I will do whatever I think I will enjoy there. And between now and September, I will be training my body how to run a 5K in ways that feel comfortable to me. If I can’t do the C25K intervals right now, that’s not what I will do. I will simply build up my stamina by running and walking, running and walking. Perhaps I won’t be able to run the entire 5K in September – I might still have to run a little and walk a little. But I am going to work on physical fitness as my goal, not on a 5K as my goal. And I will not force myself to follow a regimen I hate.

How’s that for inspiration?

Day 77: Against Social Eating

I’ve weighed in at 198 lbs this morning! Hooray! And actually, the scale said 197.5 several times first, and then started saying 198, so I think I’m somewhere in between those. I hope I don’t mess it up for the weigh-in tomorrow!

I should be fine, considering that there is already a plan in motion to combat any slip-ups that might occur. Hubbo’s cousins are in town this week, and the family got together last night and will be doing so again tonight to spend some time with them. We wisely turned down the socializing last night, and will also be eating dinner before going to see them tonight, despite a lot of pressure to do otherwise. But what can I say? My mom-in-law is making lasagna. Firstly, I’ve already had a cheat meal this week. Secondly, there’s nobody in the world who can get me to eat lasagna on the day before a weigh-in when I’ve been working this hard.

The thing is, social eating is probably the biggest downfall of most dieters. We want to spend time with our friends and family, and that so often includes sharing a meal together. What friends and family don’t realize is that we (dieters) make such deliberate choices about what we will eat and what we won’t. And what most dieters don’t realize is that it’s ok to tell people that, while you think the food they’ve prepared looks delicious, we’re not going to have any, thank you.

It’s hard to be polite in turning down something someone has prepared for you, but sometimes it just has to be done. In this situation, I know that my mom-in-law would probably bend over backwards and prepare a completely separate meal for me if I told her “no, thanks,” and I would feel equally bad about that. To combat this, Hubbo and I have just taken ourselves out of the equation; we will just eat before we come.

Here’s to hoping for a good weigh-in tomorrow!

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Updated to include a HUGE NSV!!:

I just logged onto the United Blood Services website to check my cholesterol (which they test free for you) from my donation last week. It is down thirty points from my previous donations! All my previous donations had been at about 203, 204 (just in the “borderline high risk” zone), but last week’s donation was 173 – healthy! Awesome!

Day 76: Fail.

Just a note – I added some links on my page and revamped the photos page a bit the other night. I didn’t add a new shot yet – Hubbo says I should wait for the eight pounds until I hit a really noticeable difference at 191 lbs. Here’s to hoping that it will be worth the wait!

So on to the update…

C25K Week 2 Run 1 was a bust. I didn’t finish. I got through half of the fifth (second-to-last) 90-second run and couldn’t do any more. It’s weird, because on the second run, I felt totally in the groove. I thought I had found my rhythm, you know? This is mostly because in Robert Ullrey’s Week 2 podcast, he mentioned something that I really keyed into. Since I’ve never been a runner, I don’t really know how to run, but on the podcast he gave a tip: try to run on your heels and not your toes. Wow! That made a huge difference in being able to extend my legs even at a slower speed!

But it seems I also might have tired myself out doing it. By the third run, the two-minute recovery periods weren’t enough for me. I was still out of breath at that point. By the fifth run, I wanted to die, and just couldn’t take it anymore.

I’m disappointed that I didn’t make myself finish, but I will get over it. I was going to have to repeat this week anyway since I will be out of town, camping in the mountains, when I’m supposed to be doing this week’s third run. This just gives me opportunity to improve.

On the bright side, my legs – which were still sore from Saturday’s weight-lifting this morning – feel a lot better in some places after the run. Others not so much, but I guess you win some and you lose some.

Anyway, this morning I weigh 199.5 again. I am ok with that though, because I had a really weird eating day yesterday (could this have affected this morning’s run?). I had a planned cheat meal for breakfast. I had just been craving this meal for about six weeks and I decided to go ahead and order it. If you are from my area, then you have heard of the Flying Star Cafe. That’s where we went yesterday. They serve lots of absolutely amazing regional food (not to mention their fabulous, famous desserts). I ordered my favorite: the Southwest Bennies. It’s basically an order of Eggs Benedict with spicy sausage patties and a green chile hollendaise. Oh yeah, and a bunch of cheese.

Guys, breakfast took me through until 4:30 in the afternoon. I know it wasn’t the best decision of what to eat, but at least I didn’t overeat. That, I’m proud of.

Another weekend victory? I didn’t eat popcorn (though it smelled absolutely amazing) when we went to see Wanted this weekend. Seeing the movie was definitely a lapse in judgment (just watch The Matrix and pause it every three seconds to say the f-word for the same effect), but at least the diet stayed strong.

Day 68: Diet Busted

No one is immune.

After 65 successful days (except for our vacation) doing – let’s face it – pretty awesome controlling myself, I busted my diet.

It’s ok though. I am back on track today (though I weighed in at 202 lbs again this morning. Weigh-in this week probably won’t be all that great.)

Things I Ate on the Camping Trip (with no-no items in red.)
Slim Jim
2 S’mores
Fried eggs
Breakfast Potatoes
Strawberries
Whole Wheat English Muffin
Almonds
Hamburger on Whole Wheat Bun with Fat-Free Cheese and Ketchup
Baked Beans
1/2 ear of roasted corn
1/2 flour tortilla
Coca-Cola
1/2 chocolate bar
1 slice Pepperoni Pizza
Low-Fat Ranch Dressing
Greek Salad with No Croutons with Greek Dressing

 

So, yeah. There’s a lot of red in that list. I’m kind of surprised I only gained 1.5 lbs. Hopefully having a clean day on the diet will help to alleviate that.

I guess that’s it. I’m very nervous about starting C25K tomorrow – I’m so afraid I’m going to come back and have to tell you all I couldn’t finish the first walk/run. I guess we’ll just have to see how it goes.

Day 66: Unexpected Circumstances

Good morning all!

Well, I write to you this morning at 200.5 lbs, which I feel is still respectable considering I had my first servings of grains yesterday. I am not at all worried about the bump up.

However, something has come up that we didn’t plan for. Hubbo and I have been invited to go camping this weekend. We are leaving this evening after work and will most likely come back tomorrow evening. This means that I am with certainty going to cheat tonight.

In my perfect situation, I wanted to be on Phase II for at least one clean week without cheating before I ate something I wasn’t supposed to, but oh well, life intervened. Anyway, we are going to bring a bunch of healthy stuff that I can eat along, so tomorrow I shouldn’t cheat too badly. We will have string cheese, celery sticks, strawberries, etc for me to snack on, and we are going to start the day with a breakfast of eggs. It’s just that tonight we are going to have burgers (I did buy whole wheat buns, though!) and s’mores.

And I am allowing myself to indulge in the s’mores.

We don’t camp very often (read: ever) so this is kind of special for us. And I also have always wanted to make sure that the diet is just a diet, and that it doesn’t interfere with my life. Honestly, we could have said “No thanks” and just not gone camping due to my dietary restrictions – it would have saved us a lot of trouble – but I don’t think that’s what this is about. If I am off the diet for one day and I have a great time, that’s fine, it’s not a tragedy. I will come back and get back on it again. Simple.

Anyway, wish us luck.