Day 95: Body Illusions

I had a fairly depressing thought yesterday. Two of my coworkers commented on my weight-loss; both of them said something to the effect of “You look fabulous!” And you know what I heard? I didn’t hear what they said, but instead I heard “You look better” or, “Gee, you’re not quite so noticeably fat as you used to be.”

Now I admit, I have always had trouble accepting compliments. I have a vague memory of my mother once telling me as a little girl that to accept a compliment readily would make people think you were stuck up. As a result, I think I have always had trouble believing in the nice things people have told me; I don’t want to put too much stock in what I’m hearing (because we all know people just tend to say what you want to hear) because I don’t want to get out of touch with reality.

I know that this is totally unhealthy. I know that I need to get over my bad body-image. And yes, it is steadily improving… But come on, I know I don’t look “fabulous.” I really only look good comparatively speaking. That’s enough for me, because I know I am on my way to littler and better things (ha), so why do people feel the need to embellish?

Anyway, I’ve decided to make a deal with you. Here’s a nice pretty picture of me to prove I’m doing my best to get a grip on my body image – sharing photos is part of being proud of how you look, right? – and in exchange, no comments on how I need to be accepting and how there is beauty at every size, etc. Believe me folks, I’ve heard it all before. And hey, I’m not saying I look bad… I just don’t look how I want to look and how I know I can look. ‘Nuff said? All right. Enjoy this pic of me dolled up for the wedding we went to last night.

Incidentally, I bought this dress two years ago and never wore it until last night. It wasn’t until after I stuffed myself into it that Hubbo, tucking in my tag, realized it was a fourteen. Now, I’ve been able to wear fourteen pants comfortably for a while, but getting into a fourteen on the top? That’s something. (I promise my boobs didn’t look obscenely large all night long; they looked normal in the mirror, I swear!)

So the wedding… I had a piece of cake (it was carrot cake with lots of decadently sugary butter cream icing) and a Margarita. Now, I know a Margarita is probably the worst thing I could have chosen, but come on – give me a break. I live in the southwest: it’s all about the Margarita! It is my favorite drink and I’ve only had it once since the beginning of my diet (not including last night) 95 days ago. It was a special occasion, and I splurged.

I was only one pound heavier today – 194.5 lbs – which could have been due to normal fluctuation as much as to my sugar high last night. Encouraging, to say the least. A loss is still possible for this week.